Saturday 29 January 2011

outfit appropriate...

in a little over a weeks time i will be 23 which, whilst hardley a shock,  is certainly more than a little unwanted.  if i'm honest i feel somewhere along the line i've been cheated.  whilst i understand a certain element of apprehension at the looming of another year gone past is not a feeling that is unusual to human beings, i'm aware my credibility as an adult is waning increasingly at the moment.  it seems enid blyton didn't cover this aspect of life in her books which has left me sorely unprepared.
some of the things whilst distressing aren't really the kind of things that can be solved.  as a child i always believed i would be taller and whilst i am not very short i am hardley statuesque.  at 5ft 3 and 3 quarters, that extra quarter of an inch i hold onto like you would a lock of your lovers hair, white knuckled and with a disconcerting air of desperation.  meanwhile my taller, younger siblings tower above and use me as their arm rest in photos, my grimace in stark contrast to their grins.
other things are harder to stomach.  anther year past and another year that i never believed i would see.   birthdays are events of great ambivilance when you have spent your teenage years in psychiatrists offices and later on in units designed to contain and behaviourally normalise whilst you, inside wither and lose sense of hope and proportion.  a funhouse of mirrors each reflected back someone you lost sight of many years ago and that even if the mirrors did not grossly deform you, you wouldn't be able to pick out yourself. 
at almost 23 i no longer know who i am, i wonder whether this year will truly be my last, whether i will see another birthday.  it sounds morbid, we don't like to read or think about that, i appologise if i have disturbed or disquietened you.  if i've unsettled you, caused that barrier of seperation to come down, a world of me and them.  i could wear my masque, i could wear my outfit appropriate.