fear...

i'm a prolific worrier, i suspect i was in the womb.  i don't actually remember a time before i worried, i know that content was not a description that anyone would have made of myself as a child. 
i am the oldest child of three, i ahve always believed i was responsible for the welfare of my siblings as well as my parents.  i have a deep seated belief that the only person i can depend upon is myself, i'm not sure where that belief came from, i just know that it's been there for a very long time.  i was born into a family who had just experienced a very sudden and very traumatic bereavement.  my mum was one month pregnant with me when she lost her beloved father, she was 23 and he was 54.  he died in the night of a massive heart attack, my grandmother woke up to find him dead.  i don't believe my mum has ever truly been able to come to terms with what happened, i know even know there is a huge amount of sadness around his death even though it will be 24 years ago on june 7/8, whilst time has taken away the initial shock i'm not sure how much it has lessened the pain that my mum carries.  he was the parent she was closest too, he was her ally and he was the person whom she relied upon.  the day he died, my mum and he had spent talking about my birth, he had spoken about all the things he would do with me as i grew, he wanted me to be a girl.  my birth was a bitter sweet time, i was my parent's first child, my mum's parent's first grandchild, i was a girl as he had wanted and i was the first of 5 grandchildren that he would never get to meet.
i was very aware of his death right from the start, my mum would talk about him often.  i knew from early on a lot about him and i was painfully aware that my mum was still grieving heavily.  i was from a very young age aware of the fragility of life, the fact that no one gets a guarantee that either they or the ones they love will be alive one minute to the next, nor could you guarantee your parent's would be alive when you woke up the next morning.  i didn't know until later my mum had a terrible fear that she wouldn't live to see her children grow up, i wonder how much of that i had picked up on.  her desperate fear, her overwhelming sadness.  my mum  is still someone i would protect to the ends of the earth.  i love my dad and her more than anyone else on this earth.  i am very close to them and they mean the world to me, to a large extent they are still my world and i am probably more dependant upon them than the majority of people my age.  i am socially akward and very introverted, for a long time they were the only people who i could let into my inner world, they are also for a long time the only people that saw me as as valuable a human being as my brother and sister.
i am terrified of losing my family...i'm not sure if i can live with that terror much longer.

fight...

i've had enough, fighting this daily.  it's in my dreams and my waking hours.  it's a living hell.  it's hard to describe what living like this is like, living in a head space that never offers any sort of protection.  it's living in a psychological war zone, except from home is where the war zone is.  there is no end to it, i wish that there was.
the idea that i will have to continue this for the rest of my life is, at the moment, more than i can stand.
i am terrified of tomorrow, yesterday haunts me and today never ends.