marsha linehan who created dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) has come out of the BPD closet.
http://www.nytimes.com/2011/06/23/health/23lives.html
thankyou to her, an incredibly brave thing to do.
Thursday 14 July 2011
Wednesday 13 July 2011
words....
i spoke early and since then words have stood for everything i was trying to get and as a barrier to everything i needed. articulate is one of the main words used to describe me. however, intelligence and being articulate can impede as much as they can aid. sometimes i am overwhelmed by the lack of words that describe what i feel. i can tell you how the book says i should feel but there aren't enough words in the English language to adequately converse to you what is going on inside me at this moment inside and visceral noises just tend to frighten.
the thing is, words can make you appear intelligent but they also decieve both you and everyone else on each level. they can aid an appearance of clarity and togetherness but sometimes you really need someone to be able to see between the protesting syllables to see a self that is crumbling quicker than the lies can fall out of your pursed lips.
sometimes, maybe, i just need someone to hug me and to sit with me in a silence that says all that needs to be said.
the thing is, words can make you appear intelligent but they also decieve both you and everyone else on each level. they can aid an appearance of clarity and togetherness but sometimes you really need someone to be able to see between the protesting syllables to see a self that is crumbling quicker than the lies can fall out of your pursed lips.
sometimes, maybe, i just need someone to hug me and to sit with me in a silence that says all that needs to be said.
anger...
anger...
it's so very difficult to deal with, well for someone of us it is.
why?
as much as i hate to be the stereotype, i cannot cope with feeling two things about someone at once. i cannot manage loving (or liking) someone and being angry at them. i cannot manage the paradox of feelings, i cannot handle the ambivilence. i split, they are good or bad. there is no grey area, only dichotomy, black or white.
maybe some day i will manage the middle...i hope so, living in a world of extremes is terrifying, there is no consistency. there is no image of a whole person, everyone is two people. no one can be trusted and you most importantly, cannot trust yourself.
it's so very difficult to deal with, well for someone of us it is.
why?
as much as i hate to be the stereotype, i cannot cope with feeling two things about someone at once. i cannot manage loving (or liking) someone and being angry at them. i cannot manage the paradox of feelings, i cannot handle the ambivilence. i split, they are good or bad. there is no grey area, only dichotomy, black or white.
maybe some day i will manage the middle...i hope so, living in a world of extremes is terrifying, there is no consistency. there is no image of a whole person, everyone is two people. no one can be trusted and you most importantly, cannot trust yourself.
Thursday 7 July 2011
multi-impulsive bulimia....
i have borderline personality disorder and severe bulimia. this puts me into the area of 'multi-impulsive bulimia'. i have become more impulsive as i have got older, i am naturally quite timid and shy, i am also extremely introverted, i have a large inner world. i am no adrenaline junkie, i am someone who relishes routine, i am not the poster child for 'wild'. i don't react well to change...on paper i should not be impulsive to the degree i am, but i am and that i something i really struggle with. when in crisis i act in a way that i find mortifying.
wikipedia says:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impulsivity
"a personality trait characterized by the inclination of an individual to initiate behavior without adequate forethought as to the consequences of their actions, acting on the spur of the moment"
the problem with impulsivity is that, whilst it is a part of everyone, for some of us the consequences of our impulsivity can cause major problems in our day to day life. impulsivity is fine if the risks you are taking are relatively minor but for most people with BPD the risks they take are not only life threatening but are also damaging to every area of their life. an impulse purchase of a chocolate bar is ok, buying the most expenive trainers because you have decided to run marathons in aid of tourettes is less so. ending up in A&E to be stitched on an all to regular basis because your way of dealing with your feelings is to perform minor surgery in the comfort of your own home is also not particularly ok. buying another computer because you can't wait the week it wil take for it to be mended. spending £1300 of savings on food in the space of 6 months because you need to binge and purge and you need to binge and purge now.
the interpersonal consequences are often huge, my friendships are shortlived and intense....you are on the pedistal, you will fall my friend. i love you and i hate you when you let me down, and you will, it's only a matter of time and i can't take it. i can't take the uncertainty, i can't cope wit the risk i will lose it all, i can't manage the feeling that it could be taken away from me any minute now. so i pull away, i push you away. i can't stand that i feel i need you so i need you to not be there any more. i need you to go and i need you to not be around anymore. i need to reject you before you have a chance to reject me.
it's a need, a deep need that needs to be dealt with then and there, it has to be dealt with that moment, lord forbid you wait a second. it's visceral and so very primal.
wikipedia says:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Impulsivity
"a personality trait characterized by the inclination of an individual to initiate behavior without adequate forethought as to the consequences of their actions, acting on the spur of the moment"
the problem with impulsivity is that, whilst it is a part of everyone, for some of us the consequences of our impulsivity can cause major problems in our day to day life. impulsivity is fine if the risks you are taking are relatively minor but for most people with BPD the risks they take are not only life threatening but are also damaging to every area of their life. an impulse purchase of a chocolate bar is ok, buying the most expenive trainers because you have decided to run marathons in aid of tourettes is less so. ending up in A&E to be stitched on an all to regular basis because your way of dealing with your feelings is to perform minor surgery in the comfort of your own home is also not particularly ok. buying another computer because you can't wait the week it wil take for it to be mended. spending £1300 of savings on food in the space of 6 months because you need to binge and purge and you need to binge and purge now.
the interpersonal consequences are often huge, my friendships are shortlived and intense....you are on the pedistal, you will fall my friend. i love you and i hate you when you let me down, and you will, it's only a matter of time and i can't take it. i can't take the uncertainty, i can't cope wit the risk i will lose it all, i can't manage the feeling that it could be taken away from me any minute now. so i pull away, i push you away. i can't stand that i feel i need you so i need you to not be there any more. i need you to go and i need you to not be around anymore. i need to reject you before you have a chance to reject me.
it's a need, a deep need that needs to be dealt with then and there, it has to be dealt with that moment, lord forbid you wait a second. it's visceral and so very primal.
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