Monday 15 October 2012

Weight of staying alive...

Some days I am overwhelmed simply by the responsibility of staying alive.  It's something that most people rarely feel, something that normally happens in response to parenthood.  Not for me, it's not the worry that I might accidentally be taken, that's the worry that parents might have, the fear of not being allowed the opportunity to see their child go through the rites of passage that we expect.
Mine is I am worried that the fear of life and the intense pain that suffocates, hinders my every step will be more than I can take.  I am worried that I will take myself by my own hand, I fear that.  I am so very frightened by life.  I am frightened of the future, I fear more than I can express.  It's more than fear it's a paralysing terror that grips my limbs and threatens my heart with arrest.  I know that my suicide would break my family that it would be their destruction and that it would be my own doing.  What I fear so much in life yet my suicide would, without doubt, cause.  It's a permanent 'Catch-22' that I cannot answer, a life of ambivalence.

Hate is not too strong a word...

Some I feel that being in the mental health system has been like being in an abusive relationship.  I've been told so many times that I cannot survive without them that most of me believes it to be so.  No matter how bad things have been, I stay around because I am scared that without them I may die.  That I'll fall forever and there will be no ledge, no way of stopping.  I do not believe I can stop myself.
They pulled apart all I knew.  They systematically destroyed it.  My world and they never helped to repair it.  They took all my resources, threw me out, took away everything that made my life worth living and told me it was all my fault.  Kicked out of my nest, no skills for adult living and they expected me to flourish.  When I didn't, they blamed me.
They ruined my life, obliterated everything.  Took away my family and my home, made me distrust everything about myself, told me my family was bad for me, told me it was fault that everything was falling apart.  Made me feel there was something intrinsically wrong with us, then the disappeared and rejected all responsibility.
Thou Shalt Not Harm?!
"'For your own good' is a persuasive argument that will eventually make a man agree to his own destruction" Janet Frame

Tak flight...

I feel lost, very alone.  Really what I want is to numb myself into a place where there is no space for fear.  Fear is there all the time and it's presence is depriving me of everything.  I hate that I want it but I want the freedom of the other night.  The induced stupour of nothingness, the oblivion of chemical overdose, the flight of being held against a wall, finally held and still.  The fear is more than I can manage, I need to take flight.
I want the years that come from living your life in impossible times.
Some of us live a lie that belies the festered torture inside.