Some days I am overwhelmed simply by the responsibility of staying alive. It's something that most people rarely feel, something that normally happens in response to parenthood. Not for me, it's not the worry that I might accidentally be taken, that's the worry that parents might have, the fear of not being allowed the opportunity to see their child go through the rites of passage that we expect.
Mine is I am worried that the fear of life and the intense pain that suffocates, hinders my every step will be more than I can take. I am worried that I will take myself by my own hand, I fear that. I am so very frightened by life. I am frightened of the future, I fear more than I can express. It's more than fear it's a paralysing terror that grips my limbs and threatens my heart with arrest. I know that my suicide would break my family that it would be their destruction and that it would be my own doing. What I fear so much in life yet my suicide would, without doubt, cause. It's a permanent 'Catch-22' that I cannot answer, a life of ambivalence.
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