Saturday 16 July 2016

Yet another attempt at recovery

I am trying for yet another attempt at recovery.  I have spent many periods in hospital, mainly in Eating Disorder units so this shouldn't be an unfamiliar place but it never gets normal, never.  Maybe that's a good thing, I think that it is.  I wouldn't want this to feel normal, the ED however, does feel normal.  So feeling more nourished feels horrendous and truly terrifying.  I am longing for emptiness and my body is taking a long time to normalise.  I realise it is still early days but I am a terribly impatient creature and so the idea of having to take things slowly is terribly foreign.  It is a work in progress.  Something to learn, to practice, to home.
I have been away from home too long.  I spent the first two and a half weeks in a psychiatric unit this time before they found a bed in a unit.  A psychiatric ward isn't the best place for someone who is ill with an ED, it needs a specialist unit but beds are in such short supply and I was too ill to be home so the psych.  unit at least gave me a chance to mentally stabilise a tad.  That's the plan.
An ED is something that possesses you, so that you are unable to identify which part is it, which part is you.  I guess it becomes a bizarre, somewhat obscene version of a Venn diagram...part of recovery is learning to identify what is who.  Which is you, which is it, which is the part that cannot be separated, may never be separated,  How to live with that, how to accept that, how to accept you.  How to live with what you with the illness have done, who you've hurt. who you've let down, who you have made sob in the early hours of the morning.  The tears that no one hears or sees but that you with ED have caused.
Those are the things that you have to live with.  The ED doesn't, the ED is like a virus, it has no cell of it's own, it relies on invading yours and claiming it's conquests as it's body now.  So you own all the pain it causes as pain you've caused and it is pain I've caused.  I hate myself for that.  I don't know if I can ever make peace with that.  I don't know if all it will do is haunt me till my dying day...who knows.  all I know is that at the moment it haunts me, the guilt is massive and I hate myself for it.  For my weakness, for the hate, for the hurt.

1 comment:

  1. It's amazing how quickly happiness can sooth something hurt - your mind, your body, others, family, anything. So don't forget to love yourself too :)

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